Outward expressions of internal experiences

Poker face, I have an astounding poker face. You can tell the precise quality of my hand by my face. I've always desired the ability to conceal my emotions and not show my hand. Recognizing this was primarily a pride issue, I was increasingly convicted. I realized over the years I could conceal any emotion struggles from others and even deceive myself. Because emotion masking and internal retreat are almost instinctive responses I looked for undeniable, difficult to hide, outward manifestations of my turmoil.

I tend to compartmentalize my life. Currently I'm operating in a dichotomous environment. Emotional investments are typically equally invested in work and my personal life. I can experience great trauma in my personal life and maintain a reasonable about of sanity within my work. On the opposite end, work can be going horribly wrong and my personal life smooth sailing. Of course they bleed into one another on occasion but the separation is really tight.

I usually define the compartments relative to the geographic locations where they take place. Work life is in the office, on the airplane, at a conference center and personal life is basically everywhere else with the center of it being my apartment. You can tell my emotional state relative to these two compartments of my life by the cleanliness of the primary geographic space.

If you walk into my apartment to find dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, and my curling iron still plugged in the bathroom you can venture to guess I'm struggling personally. Whenever I resolve a personal issue I get a great urge to clean. It is if removing the cobwebs from my heart makes me notice them in the corners. Cleaning declares that I've been victorious.

If you walk into to my office and see piles of paper, partially use notebooks, and a warm open Diet Pepsi can you can assume that I'm overwhelmed or feeling a loss of direction relative to my work life.

It's not that any of these places become dirty gross with things involving mold etc...but they obviously need a touch up. So if you ever do walk into my office or apartment and see it in such a state...I don't probably need a reprimand or a sarcastic comment. I probably need a hug.